I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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