after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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