Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
