i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
