My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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