I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
