oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
