Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
