Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
