Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
