he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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