How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
