i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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