I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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