why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
