I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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