I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
