Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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