My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
