He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
