2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
