i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
