Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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