I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
