allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
