Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize