Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I am one with the molecules
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
