Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
