I think my fart just growled at me.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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