saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
