I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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