booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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