I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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