Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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