if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
