I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
