she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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