Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
