Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
