I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Never joke about your clitoris.
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