i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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