Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
