Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We need a shit load of segways right now
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
