Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
