So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
