Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Come on in and take your pants off
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