If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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