i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Randomize
