East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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