just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Im part way to drunk.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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