I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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