"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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