I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
