Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize