I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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