chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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