he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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