I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
