bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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