Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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