morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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