I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Randomize
