Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize