i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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