Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
