we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
